I decided to create a blog to express anything that I may be feeling. I am positive that like others, I am not the only one who experiences anxiety, stress, and depression. I figured I would try this outlet and see if it helped at all.
I never used to have anxiety, stress, or depression. I was a very active kid growing up and knew who I was and where I wanted to go in life. Back in high school, I had a tragic death in the family- by suicide. It was the most heartbreaking event to date that has occurred in my life. Since then, I am filled with anxiety and stress. I never used to worry because I figured that no matter what life threw me, it would find a way of working itself out. I had delayed grief. I did not know what to do or how to feel because it did not feel real at all. I had so many questions that could never be answered, the main one being: why? Why did this happen? Why did you choose this? Why did you feel the way that you did? There were and still are so many people that loved this person because they were incredible. So kind, caring, generous. I was overwhelmed with sadness, but that turned into a bit of anger too. I felt that it was selfish, but I was invested in getting answers as a type of closure. I did my own research and became interested in the research and doings of the AFSP. I found out that when it comes to suicide, the person isn’t doing it to be selfish, they are doing it because they genuinely feel as if they are the problem that needs to disappear. There are so many things I wish I had done differently to change the outcome, but that is what started my anxiety.
For about 8 and a half years I chose to deal with the anxiety on my own. I tried to keep myself busy, I would constantly change things in my life- my job, my vehicle, my residence, my hair… all just to feel as if I had some type of control over something even as little as a hair cut. I did seek out a counselor to speak with because I thought it would help. After a few different therapists, I found my match. She was great, although she did make me cry every single time I went to see her no matter what mood I walked in with. She listened and responded when needed. I felt like she asked all of the right questions, and she made it seem like she was on my side of everything that I brought to her. At first I was ashamed, so I would tell lies to friends and family about where I was going, but once I realized that she was helping me more than I could have hoped, I was proud of going. I was proud of myself for being strong enough to seek help when I knew I needed it. The depression came months after the death. I didn’t know how to handle it, or even what it was at first. All of these emotions were running through me and changing at the speed of lighting. I felt all of my emotions to the extreme. This eventually went away… until last week.
The past eight years or so I have managed my anxiety and stress and have been able to keep it at bay. I have amazing friends and family who are always there when I need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. But last week. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my routine- getting up early, eating breakfast and drinking hot water while I planned for the day and had some quiet time to myself, went to work, and then would be in bed early… and about mid week I started having pretty bad anxiety. It just got worse, it turned into depression and I spent three straight days absolutely sobbing my eyes out. But why? You know, that is the funny thing about anxiety and depression… sometimes you really just do not know why it came, or why it stays. I tried deep breaths, talking to a few family members and friends, talking myself through it and telling myself that I was fine. I have a great life- good job, good relationship, great living situation, amazing friends and family. So why was I feeling like I was so alone and so down on myself? Who knows, I still can’t figure it out. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I ran away to another state for the weekend just to get away and breathe, or if time was what helped me start to heal.
All I do know is that it is HARD. And for those of you who don’t experience anxiety- it is so incredibly hard for you to even try and understand what goes through ones mind. I have had the most difficult time in some friendships and relationships trying to explain how I feel and why I feel that way, but you know what? I can’t. I realized that for me, it just is not possible. How do you explain to someone something that you can’t even begin to explain to yourself? For those of you who share anxiety with much of the population- hang in there. You are not alone, and I am routing for you and in your corner.